Dear Diary, Valentine’s Day is coming up this weekend. OK, been married 25 years and for the past 10 she’s been saying don’t get me anything.  It’s a landmine fellas. If your wife, girlfriend says this rhetoric please abort any idea of not getting her anything. This is the test that all men are judged by. So far I haven’t fallen for this wife boomerang approach. Really, you think you can throw me?

We all hate this holiday, it’s a no win. Trying to come up with something unique is like figuring out another way to tie your shoes. Roses, Dinner, Wine and a Romantic Card, it’s a stumper! I will disclose after 15 years you can work with humorous, naughtier cards. If you treat her right all day, she just may come to bed that night portraying your favorite Victoria Secrete model. Let’s face it, if we don’t do at least half of the tradition, that outfit ain’t coming out of the top drawer.

When she asks you what you want for Valentine’s Day, play it cool. Make it seem as if she’s not getting much as she asked. So then she won’t go overboard and show you up. Then when you out preform her expectations, let that guilt open that top drawer at the end of the evening.

Enjoy it for the one day, because back to normal is just around the corner. Naughty outfits are locked up until your anniversary. If you got married on Valentine’s Day, well dumb ass, you get to wait another year. So there ya have it, Saint Valentine you third-century Roman saint of courtly love. This biblical patron might be turning over in his grave if he knew his holiday of Love has transformed into a naughty little scheme of deception. This may be why in 1969 the Roman Catholic Church removed his name from the General Roman Calendar, leaving his liturgical celebration to local calendars.

All Fat Dads should be forever grateful for what he started.  Without St Valentine, top drawers would be stuffed with sensible undergarments. So pry open those wallets fellas, this naughty weekend won’t be cheap. Sit back and watch the Mother of your children be transformed into the women you wouldn’t take home to meet your mother, whats that worth? As the commercial says priceless!