Dear Diary, WHY, WHY, WHY do they have to look up your butt when your 50. Is this some kind of right of passage into the next ½ century? When they say you’re over the hill, did they mean my rear end? Then they should change “Over the Hill” and start calling it “Up your Ass”. Come on over everyone, I’m turning 50 and were having an “Up your Ass” party for me. OK, when you say it out loud, I think we should leave it to Over the Hill.

The actual procedure is not terrible, at least mine wasn’t. They put me into what they called a twilight state and I hardly remembered a thing, besides felling very drunk and super sleepy. I like twilight, where do I get more of that amazing street drug? The horrible part of this party is the prep, let’s just say, at least have one case of Costco toilet paper on hand and plenty medicated wet wipes. You’re in for a long night. For 2 days, nothing but liquids, it starts to feel like you’re on an episode of “Naked & Afraid”. You’re starving to death and all you can drink is tainted water that makes you poop, a lot. My PSR levels came up from a 7.3 to a 7.8. Sorry you won’t get that joke unless you’ve seen the show.

It’s a lifesaving procedure we all have to endure at this age. If you ever hesitate, just remember it won’t kill ya to have it done, at least the papers I signed said you have a 99.9% chance of survival. If they find something, I pray they catch whatever it is in time and early enough to treat or better yet, you get a clean bill of health! So here’s to your health, bottoms up!